It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
