I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
