walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
don't judge my taste in strippers
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
