My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Are we still banned from the library?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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