I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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