Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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