Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
