So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I FOUND THE LEGS
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I believe in your delicious
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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