I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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