I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
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