I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
