how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
