hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
