Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
