Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
