I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
