I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
