i already hear my dad disowning me
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
