I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
