I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
