i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize