So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
