I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize