Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
