i permit you to call me
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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