I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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