i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
His hands were made for my vagina.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize