in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
they need to just BURY HIM!
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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