Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
