they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
