I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize