Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
