I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
