Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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