I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Come see our sink grown plant.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize