you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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