we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Randomize
