Only a mothe r could love this liver
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
