Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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