There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
