Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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