i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
