Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters
ok you need to stop NOW
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
But break dance skills will only take you so far
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
