You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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