This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
