She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
