Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
Just cropdusted the office
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
