Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
