Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
