video games are the ultimate cock blocker
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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