my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
