You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize