Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I just want nice things and good sex
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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