dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
