is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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