Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
