Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
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