she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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