and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Are my feet made of real feet?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
