On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
