I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
