Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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