So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
