Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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