Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
