I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
