dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Randomize
