My friends, they love my intelligence
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So much rum. So many feels.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
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