I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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