Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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